I’ve been wanting to write this down for years, so here’s my attempt at explaining why I love and hate this sport. This is pretty much just a long rant though. No pictures and no story to drive it.

So I’ve been playing volleyball very consistently since 7th grade. That’s twelve years. I’ve played:

• YMCA 7th and 8th grade
• DS in JV 9th and 10th
• Setter as Varsity Captain in 11th and 12th
• Backup Libero in Club in 12th
• Everything in open rec in college
• Libero and Opposite for Pandemonium Volleyball Club
• Everything for open rec in California

I’ve given a lot.

I haven’t had formal training since my club season in high school. Five years is a long time to go without any dedicated practices. Trying to only get better through open gyms is rough, especially in my position. Since I’ve played everything a lot in open rec, I don’t get to stick to one position anymore. I sub for BB IVL as a Middle, and the next day I’m a BB Setter, and the next I’m a C-B Opposite. It’s so much variety that I can’t even practice the things I want to, which sucks.

I feel like I’m stuck at the B level because of this. I can’t get enough consistent reps to progress in any one position, so I’ve been at a similar skill level for years now. I want to get better. I’ve been trying to get better. It’s just so hard when I can’t do drills at a gym.

Let’s go back in time a bit, back to my time in college. Going into RIT, I wanted to be a Libero. That’s where I was the happiest, since I never was taught how to hit before college (lib and setter don’t need to I guess :P). Plus, I was really good at serve receive at the time. However, my dreams were crushed when I tried out for the Men’s Club. They apparently had me marked as an Opposite (even though I only did Libero drills) so I didn’t make it to the final round.

I kept playing open rec throughout the year though, and many different people on club asked why I didn’t play for them. That was a consistent theme throughout college - “why aren’t you on club Spencer? you’re really good?” It sucked telling them every time that they rejected me. My second year, I couldn’t make tryouts, which sucked. If I had gone I probably would’ve been on the team, and that’s one of my biggest regrets. I was mad, and I didn’t want to skip class. Whatever.

Again, throughout the year people kept telling me I should tryout. Both the future captain and future head Libero told me to tryout. Second year was even worse for me though, as the open rec got shitty (people on club stopped playing) and we had a lot of short Liberos start playing. People like Cierra and Kiera. They couldn’t play front row on a Men’s net, so they were always Libero, leaving me to my ironic twist of fate of never getting to play there again.

Thus began the adventures of me filling other positions. Whether it was me going back to Setter (my favorite) or playing Middle, I pretty much never got to choose that year. It was rough but at least I thought I was becoming friends with them at the time. The best part of the year, though, was when Pandemonium picked me up as a backup Libero for a tournament. I had so much fun, even though I only got to play half the time, and I thought I was in the team. That was a lie, but it soon resolved itself. Even better, the head Libero of the Club team was the one who asked me!

Third year comes around. I try out again as a Libero. I get to the final round. I get rejected again! This time, they two took first years as Liberos, claiming “we have more time to train them up.” These two proceeded to never go to practice, and perpetually stayed as B team players. Yay. Open rec continues the same way, except there are even more short Liberos for me to compete with. Around this time I start to be able to hit, so that helped a little bit.

Finally, though, in my third year I actually get to start playing tournaments. Pandemonium finally picked me up, so I got to go to a few tournaments a semester with them as Libero. These were fun and all, but everyone else on the team was on Club, so I was just a level below them. I wasn’t as good, as fast, as knowledgable. And mostly: I wasn’t as close to them as they were to each other. Me not being on Club destroyed me mentally for over four years, and it still might be with me.

This was also the first year I went with Pandemonium to USAV Adult Nationals! I was super excited to go and play. Guess what! I played one set! In three days! It was terrible, I don’t want to think about it. Oh and again, the head Libero told me to tryout again.

Fourth year! My final year of undergrad. And to be honest, I was past my chance to play on Club. But I had hope! And it was immediately crushed, right before tryouts. The head Libero, the bitch he is, texted me privately, telling me to not go to tryouts. They were only going to take one Libero this year, and there was an amazing first year (he was amazing to be fair). I still decided to go. Even if there was no way I was going to make the team, I had to try. And… I didn’t make it. Surprising, anyone? I did make the final round again, though. And when we were all gathered in the parking after tryouts. Me and all the people I played open rec with every day, we got the announcements of who made the team. And guess what (again). Pretty much every one else there made the team! That was not a good week for me.

At least this year, I was almost always the only Libero Pandemonium took to tournaments, so I got a lot of playing time there. But the open rec issue persisted, and this made tournaments difficult. When you never get to play your position - except in tournaments - then you get worse over time. If you never get to practice, you lose your muscle memory. So even though I was playing almost every day, I was getting worse at the skills I needed.

USAV Nationals again this year, this time I was playing Opposite on B team, in Denver, Colorado! It was supposed to be super fun. Turns out, my setter hates me. I got less than ten sets the entire tournament. The outsides got more right side sets than me. Am I probably misremembering in my hate? Probably, but I have video evidence of how much I was ignored. Yay.

Fifth year, and it’s my last semester. I was to graduate in December, so there wasn’t even a point to me trying out. Again, I went anyway. I had to, for myself at the least. Again, I was denied. This time I did try out as a right side to spice things up. Go back and fulfill the destiny set forth by the mistake of my first year. It didn’t help at all. And even more of my friends made Club. I honestly was checked out at this point. I didn’t give a fuck and was just using open rec as exercise.

I graduate, and moved to California. California was supposed to be home to amazing volleyball. Coach Donny is in the Bay with me, beach was invented here, etc. Instead I found that it’s just like college. All the good gyms and tournaments are gate-kept by quasi-clubs. They all are great friends and don’t let outsiders in unless they’re really good. And as we know, I’m not really good.

The mental gets worse here for a while, though. Before, I still knew the people I played with. We had four or five years of rapport. In California, I knew no one. I had no one to talk to, no one to ask for help, and especially no one to vent to. None of my ‘friends’ here like the sport, so I was truly alone. It’s gotten a little better, but I’m still not ‘friends’ with any of them. At least I’m learning to differentiate friends and acquaintances now.

I go to Nationals again, this time in my hometown of Orlando, Florida. I got to see my family, my cousins, my girlfriend. It was a great trip before Nationals. Guess what position I played this year? That’s right! I played DS! I played DS for our Opposite in about half the sets. I was mad. Honestly, it was deserved. I do get annoyed easily but this was beyond mere annoyance. I was being left behind again and no one but me cared.

It shouldn’t matter, but I kind of bank rolled the team each year. Each year, I’ve donated over a thousand dollars to help fund the costs. The other people donate around fifty dollars on average. So yeah, I’m mad when I don’t get to play for a team I paid for.

And to top off my college, and honestly this applies to post-college as well: I’ve never had volleyball friends before. I always had my friends I made through school and the people I played volleyball with all the time. They pretty much never overlapped. All the people I played with in college, though, formed a huge friend group. They mostly all got into Club, they had parties all the time, went out to eat together after playing, played games together, etc. And they’re still friends outside of college. I was never invited in. Despite seeing them almost every day for seven semesters, three years of our lives, they never invited me in. Every time I tried to initiate, I was left alone. It hurts. It honestly still hurts.

Nowadays, I’ve almost given up on making volleyball friends. People always drift away from me and I just don’t know if I can take that anymore. There’s no reason for me to keep trying to push the people I play with into a deeper relationship than they want. So it’s become almost lonely. Because I don’t have deeper connections, I don’t get invited to do more stuff, even just better gyms or tournaments. I still have to initiate every time I want to do something bigger.

Here we are in the modern day. I finally got invited to IVL, I have a shitty Sunnyvale league, and I occasionally can rally people to go to a tournament. Despite all of that, though, I still don’t have a position. And to be honest, I don’t know what position I would want to play anymore. It’s been so long since I’ve played Libero consistently that I don’t know if I could do it anymore. I’m still constantly pushed and pulled throughout the court, leaving me with little choice I guess. Fate can decide where I end up.

But, as with my entire life, it’s hard for me to get to play Outside or Libero. There are always people who can dig better than me or hit harder than me. And I’m definitely not assertive enough to push myself in. I just wish people stood up for me. It’s hard doing everything alone.

I’m still trying to get better though. I try to practice what I can, when I can. I’m starting to eat better and I’m trying to find a gym partner so I can get stronger. Maybe, one day, someone will support my journey.

I guess I just wrote over two thousand words about this. I wasn’t expecting this much to come out, but I feel like I could say a lot more, but I don’t want to force myself to go to those memories. There’s a lot of fun I didn’t mention, especially intramurals. But there’s even more bad memories I want gone. It’s not worth digging up just for a blog post no one is going to read.

If you are reading this, please reach out to me. It’d be nice to know someone cares.

This sport doesn’t love me anymore, and that kills me. Out of everything in my life, I’ve by far given the most time and effort to volleyball. I guess I’m stuck with it.